The best I can do right now is just start, and the best thing I have to say is... Have you ever felt like you are working so hard at doing everything "right" and yet nothing comes out "right"?
I am currently in a self-pity state of mind, and as a result so frustrated with my life. The BF and I just had a long drawn out conversation that ended with me in tears over my lack of satisfaction with career/job. Call me crazy, but I feel cheated and I have never let these emotions come out before now but I will try to organize them as best as possible.
I worked really hard to get my master's degree. I was always in class, did my homework way more diligently than as an undergrad (which means I did it, not hard to out do my undergrad self), I made some great friends and connections, and really felt passionate about the subject matter. Everyone said that would happen with an advanced degree, your classes are more specialized so you feel more connected and therefore generally like school more. I was, and am, proud of what I accomoplished.
BUT
It seems all for nought. I spent almost an entire year substitute teaching, and for those of you who have never done it even the long term stuff is thankless. You are not a real employee and everyone knows it; other teachers, parents, and students. Most importantly you know it. After a while your pay comes at a day rate of a teacher however that does not include any benefits, benefits of respect from your fellows, health benefits, and the benefit of knowing you have a job at the end of the year (or the chance to keep the one you have). Sure you could look through the lens of you gain experience, meet lots of people, and get an "in" with a school system but that would totally ruin my current mood.
Now I am 18 months out from graduation and am working part time for an hourly wage in an elementary afterschool program. I quite like the program I work for, and it is the kind of program I would put my kids in if I had any, however it does not meet my standard for what I thought I was going to be doing at this point in life. Again, I could look at all the things I am learning; patience, active listening, extra empahsis on preparation and over planning... but all of those are things I am figuring out on the job. In this case it is not the job I want, and trained for, or am willing to settle for long term and it frustrated me that I am not learning those things in a position that they would have more relevance and impact on my career not just my job.
So I find myself answering the question, why are you doing this? Primarily, I am thankful to have a job. I bring home a paycheck (although it may only be a portion of the paycheck I deserve, it is what I signed up for). I am thankful that the kids I work with are so challenging, fun, and wonderful, if they did not challenge me and make me think every day I would not care as much. I am thankful for my surroundings and the love and support I get from family that encourage me to learn from this job and move forward when the time is right. I guess I am doing this job for all those reasons, and the big one that there are not options in my field at this time. I look, and apply but this seems to be getting the best of me right now.
So what is my major malfunction tonight, why the frantic tizzy? Well, to put if frankly I am selfish in a very non-traditional way. The BF always knows just what to gift people (read me) to make them feel special. I know I am not hard to buy for and that my wants are more like not really on the need list, but on the lifestyle needs list. Things like new running shoes, not really a need, but if I am going to keep running (lifestyle choice) they qualify. For Christmas, he really wants a baseball card that I can't afford to buy him. It is all he has talked about wanting, and I am frustrated. Let me start with I would love for him to want something I could actually pick out on my own but that is not how he rolls. He mentioned a longsleeved shirt, but I would never pretend to be able to pick something like that out for him. I would challenge him with something he would never wear and that makes the whole purchase pointless. I am back to the card I can't afford. I mentioned to him a NFL game. His NFL team vs. the quaterback that led his college team to a BCS Champoinship play Christmas eve and I would love to go see the game. I thought it would be great fun, drive down that morning and back after the game but not a chance, no excitement or enthusiasm about the idea which deflated me quite a bit. He wants it to be a whole weekend, drive down, spend the night, go to the game and buy stuff there... I was counting tickets, food, and gas. Again, I can't afford the whole package on my part time wage.
So I here I am, frustrated with myself. And over what? A Christmas gift. I have never been a good gifter. I was the youngest in my family and Mom gave us money on Thanskgiving to buy our own gifts. I never had to think about what I wanted and ask for them and then wait and hope. I am used to having socks and underwear wrapped under the tree and an orange and chap-stik in my stocking. You get excited over anything when that it the bar that has been set. Maybe I should find some terrible tie and give it to him, like my mom. Maybe if I did that he would be happy with anything the next year. Course I would not know, she has given him a tie every year of our relationship so I am not sure that plan would work, but at least he would laugh with me and not at me later. At least I come by my gifting abilities honestly!
My problem is two fold, first I can't afford what The BF really wants (whether I understand why a grown man needs another basebal card or not) and second I am terrible at gifting so I can literally think of nothing else to get him that will impact him the same way as the boring obvious.
PS I have a friend who posted something interesting on facebook. It was a part of a much larger message, but the part I remember was something to the effect of why are you so concerned about what you are getting for Christmas, it is not your birthday. I really like that, problem is I am more concerned about what I am able to give.
